Failure and Hope

So I’m eighteen, I don’t have my license, and in four months I’m off to my first semester in college. This prospect thoroughly aggravates me and perpetually annoys me. Today, I woke up with hope that I would be freed at last from my loserdom of not being able to drive. I went to take my driving test after having postponed it long enough. I had waited until my learner’s permit had one day until it expired. I was nervous beyond belief. I hadn’t had the appropriate amount of practice I needed and was ill prepared.
It started off rather well, I thought, while going through checking the vehicle’s lights and windshield wipers and such. But that’s where it ended. As I was pulling out of my parking space, I neglected to check behind me appropriately and the officer called me out on it. He had me drive through a nearby residential area with narrow roads. It was there where things really turned sour and I realized I wouldn’t pass my test. I didn’t look where I should have and did not stop soon enough for stop signs. This happened multiple times. On the drive back to the local DMV, I was angry and felt like bursting into tears and screaming. Which I did after after I left the DMV (minus the crying). I had failed.
Failure has always been something I have had trouble dealing with, despite my generally low self standards for adequacy. I felt weak and not in control of my life. I was a little kid that hadn’t lived up to his parent’s expectations. I felt as though my requirements for official adulthood had not been met and furthermore pushed away from reaching my goals. I knew I had not only disappointed my parents but myself. I was a complete failure in my mind because of one thing.
Just one little thing.
As I was moping around, I realized something. It started out as a tiny little thought amidst my self pity. I was dwelling on my percieved lack of control over my life, searching for something I had control over and had the ability to change. What I realized was this:
I have more control over my own situation than anyone else does.
I started to list off all the things I had control over. A few things were music, writing, my outlook on life, etc. The list continued to grow from those simple fetal thoughts into a beautiful, shining, living, breathing beacon of hope. I began to realize that this was a minor hiccup on my pathway to success. I could still take the written test very soon and come back after a month and take the driving test again. I could come back ten times better, I just have to put forth the effort to change my situation for the best. It’s just another chance to grow and learn and succeed. If I hadn’t have failed today I might not have been able to know what I do now. I just had to take a step back to examine my faults. I can honestly say now that in a strange, but wonderful, way I appreciate my failures and the chance to pick myself up and come back stronger than I was before. It’s all about perspective, and we all have the ability to change that. 🙂
Later.

Positivity and Music and Words

So my last post was considerably negative and I am choosing to make a difference and be more positive, starting with this- 🙂
As well as being increasingly positive, I decided that now would be as good a time as any to inform any willing readers about myself… to some degree (don’t you think it’s respectable that I leave out information like what size pants I wear?? I think that makes sense.)
So, that being said, I like music. A lot. I suck at it but it’s my favourite hobby. Unfortunately, I didn’t get into it until my sophomore year of highschool when I started to play my brother’s guitar as a way to relieve boredom during my lazy summers. I also started to sing. A year later I discovered the musical anomaly that is the electronic genre via Garageband. After that I subsequently discovered SoundCloud. A wonderful place.
Anyhow, this brings me to the interest I have always held, and that is creative writing. I have always been able to find myself in a comfortable place when trying to write a poem or lyrics, and occasionally a short story or the beginnings of an unfinished novel. I just love the way little squiggles on paper magically turn into audible nonsense we understand and fall in love with in the irrational ways. Words are a fabulous and wonderful entity. So often I combine my love for words with music and begin to write lyrics.
Lyrics are perhaps the best form through which I communicate my thoughts and feelings most accurately. Recently I have decided to start entering contests to try and mostly motivate me to write.
Which brings me to goals. Setting goals is perhaps one of the most useful things you can do for yourself. This is such a wonder ro me simply because I am a massively ungoal oriented person. So a lot of the time I find no purpose for my God given talents. Having a purpose is nice.
Later. 🙂